The virus circulating the globe has been a source of unity and disparity, depending on who you ask.  For every voice that tries to put a positive spin on what’s happening in the world, there are five more that make it their mission to tell you that we are prisoners of this disease, that there is no hope of ever returning to normal, that those of us who are “privileged” have no idea what it is to struggle during a pandemic.

I have no interest in fighting to be the loudest or most relevant voice.  But I do have my own experience to catalog, and plenty of questions–in fact, I’ve had questions throughout the entire month that myself and my fellow North Carolinians have been told to “stay home.”  My questions have come and gone, some have remained the same and some have evolved.  Today, our state is no closer to “normal” than we hoped we would be when we were first told to stay put, but I now realize that a complete return to the way things were, the normal I knew before COVID, would be a mental, emotional and spiritual step back for me.

I’ve been asking myself what I’ve learned through this?  I’ve asked my husband, family members and friends the same.  I even asked my children what they’ve enjoyed about this time, what they’ve missed?  Through this experience, the questions that keep coming to my mind are ones that I can’t readily answer.  I believe they are questions that God has been waiting to lay upon my heart during a time when I was quiet enough, still enough, to listen.

Do I really trust Him?  Do I rush to find information and solutions that will assuage my concerns and satisfy my mind instead of practicing the art of waiting?  Am I humble enough to truly accept that I can’t fix it all, know it all, be fulfilled at all times?  Am I ready to see that without the extraneous events, errands and lists in my life, I’m left with a void that only He can fill?  Do I understand how to practice joy in Christ, to make choices to live an abundant life when the rest of the world is telling me to mourn? Do I know how to communicate the joy and peace of Jesus to a lost world that is hurting and searching for answers themselves?

I have learned through the reality of COVID that these questions will continue to sit with me, although they will likely be pushed into the recesses of my mind if I allow my life to resume the same hectic pace as before.

So I don’t write to communicate that I have all the answers or know whether we’ll see a return to the comforts of the days before COVID.  But I know what I and my family have seen to be true for us.

My husband and I chose early on to limit virus discussion to 5 minutes per day, to only check the news in the mornings after waking and at night before going to bed, solely to get the most recent information and anything pertinent to our local community.  We did this because the first few days that COVID was a headline, we devoured every article, and the result was more arguing and worrying, less joy and contentment.  We knew we couldn’t survive this shutdown with a constant flow of despair and conflicting information pouring into our hearts and minds.

We understood that there were rules and laws we would need to follow as citizens, but we also know there was tremendous societal pressure to behave a certain way based on fears of the unknown.  Both my husband and I have been victims of tragedies–he lost both parents suddenly with no warning; I was abducted and raped at 21.  We are no strangers to terrible things happening without warning.  Because of these events, and our witnessing Jesus sustain and redeem us through grief, we’ve made conscious choices not to live fearful lives.

Notice I did not say that we never fear–I said that we don’t LIVE fearfully, big difference.  When fear and uncertainty come, which they regularly do, I make decisions based on prayer, the leading of the Holy Spirit, logic, common sense and love for others.

The way that played out with COVID was that we spoke to our loved ones, the people around us who we’d be missing the most time with during this quarantine.  Instead of telling them how to behave, what choices to make, we asked them how they felt about their exposure to the virus, where they stood on social distancing.  Instead of assuming motivations and judging hearts, we simply told people we loved them and wanted to see them, and gave them the freedom to say yes or no.  The wide range of responses has been encouraging just in the heart of concern that we see people have for each other.

For those buckling down–web chats brought a convenience and connection that brightened our slower days.  For those willing to stop by and chat in the front yard, smiles and chatter were a taste of community.  Still, there were others who considered quality time worth the risk, who came over for 6-feet apart cocktail hours in the backyard, or cookouts in great weather when the kids could run and play–and with these friends, the time together was life giving and almost seemed unaltered.

I don’t want to forget the way this experience has improved my focus on the Lord’s voice and my family’s focus on each other.  My husband and I have had so many evenings to have real conversations instead of a run-down about what’s happening tomorrow.  Healthy relatives have come to visit with no pressure to return to something urgent. With no school or work open, and travel at an affordable low, we’ve had the flexibility with remote learning to take school and work on the road, renting a beach house as a getaway for spring break.  After a rough return to intensive sibling time, my children are getting along better and creating more imaginative games for each other than I’ve seen since last summer.  I’ve made stupid TikTok dance challenge videos with my kids.  We’ve tackled some home remodeling and organization projects that have been on our list since we’ve moved in.  I’ve discovered a fresh love of running, learned how to sew, read classic Tolstoy, and improved my guitar playing.

Will this virus ever really go away?  Will I be sitting in a crowded restaurant in a month?  Will I be able to get a pedicure for Mother’s Day?  Will our economy be able to recover from the ravages of the virus?  Will small businesses survive the shutdown?  Are the case models accurate?  Did China lie to everyone?

I have no answers, and I probably never will.  And honestly that’s okay with me, because despite all the medical, scientific and political information out there, you and I were never meant to have all the answers.  But we were designed and meant to know the One who does, and He is always good no matter the mystery.  I am so glad that I answer to Him.